Swiping right – learning lessons in relationships ...
I had a sudden urge three weeks ago to come out of my hibernation. The sun was finally breaking through after a long winter, and found myself seeking some adult company other than my own. To creep out beyond these four walls of my home, office and den.
Full moon energy was at play. I was rerunning my own training program. I was in my zone of flow, running joy and happiness, and the manifestation started to unfold. Yep, on a whim, I swiped right.
I went on a date for a cuppa. I booked a free flight the next day on points for a late minute holiday to Bali. Then I got brave and said yes to the guy inviting himself on holiday with me. I set boundaries straight up – travel buddies in a 2 bed villa. Sure he said. He used his air points to tag along.
So for a couple of weeks and a few civilised dates, I quite enjoyed being in the company of a gentleman. Flowers, manners, impeccably dressed (do you know people hang their jackets up in a clothes protector in the back of a car when driving? I didn’t either…). He could tell me all the places to eat and be seen in Adelaide. Or countries he had travelled to. But not a lot more.
I was bored, nothing really in common to talk about. Conversations about inter-dimensional travel were never going to be on the agenda. I had no heart felt connection, or attraction to him. Just a nice guy, I thought, maybe I could find a spark within somehow. We never ‘got a home run’, thank goodness.
One of my biggest challenges in relationships is open communication. I dream of a partnership where a man meets me where I am at, with complete authenticity and vulnerability, passion and connection, creation and desire for life. Who is living and breathing the potential each day, and loving the journey.
I knew this wasn’t the time. There were no sparks flying on my side at all. I realised I had made a commitment that was hard to back out of. The daily contact whilst I was working started to grate, the cheesy intimate comments grossed me out. On Sunday, I asked in a text message to get clear about the holiday – could we meet on Wednesday, to clear the air, as a full on relationship was not what I had signed up for.
The reaction was abrupt – no, he couldn’t do Wednesday, and there would be no further interruptions. Although the messaging had stopped, being so aware of energy and other people meant I was sending light continuously to the barrage of confusion, anger, pride, game playing he was doing. A couple of days later, he unfriended me on Facebook. I felt some space and peace for a short while.
I breathed a sigh of relief. I had taken this as his signal that it was over. I made an assumption his Leo pride was running the show, and wouldn’t hear from him again. In the meantime, a perfect opening for a kindred spirit Sister I know online appeared, and we sorted that she could have the other room.
How wonderful! I got what I asked for, a travel companion I would genuinely love to hang out with. One that would have no bedroom creeping agendas, or be so anally neat and tidy I would be afraid to hang out in my casual scattered approach.
Except I hadn’t counted on the fact he was ready to finish the game four days later. He was genuinely surprised when I said I had cancelled his reservation. And so the text wars began. I started off being so polite, explaining my actions based on his – I take ownership that I had made assumptions, and once again, chose the easy way of non-communication, and I wasn’t up front with my decision.
For 24 hours, I have received so many texts, messages, attempted phone calls and emails. As the polite factor wasn’t working, I got blunt – there is nothing more to say, no need for a conversation, it’s over. I never bad mouthed him, called him names, accused him – doesn’t serve anyone. Nah, the Leo pride wasn’t being shunned like that. After several polite requests for him to refrain contacting me, I blocked him through technology and still he found a way.
He continued with the assumptions and barricades. His patronising, controlling manner. Quite abusive actually. The circles he was going in. Not ever, was there a glimpse of ownership on his part and the role he played. I could feel my adrenaline rising, pumping through my chest, as I was doing my best to focus on a crazy busy last day at work before my hols, as well as my website crashing today, all the while waiting for the next stab.
Now, there’s only so much compassion, observation, and love I can send someone like that. I was tired, hadn’t slept, a little muzzy after a few wines at the school bash last night if I’m honest, and making mistakes in my work that my clients were pointing out – not something I like doing.
My flight or flight zone was kicking in. Flashbacks to a previous occasion 15 years ago where I ended up going to the Police having been stalked and barricaded in my own home with a man who was pounding on my door, knowing he kept guns. All through that, I was so conscious of maintaining my divine connection in tact, calming my inner child – he isn’t going to hurt us this time.
By the end of the day, I couldn’t hold it together any more, my kids witnessed my tears as I explained I felt I was being bullied online, and I didn’t like it, and he wouldn’t stop, even though I asked him. I was genuinely concerned he was going to pitch up at my front door – apparently, “I am seriously worried about your well-being as your behaviour is a little odd”. What part did he not understand that there is nothing to discuss, it is over?? He even asked for the money for my half of the dinner he bought me last week. Really??
I think the biggest shock is dealing with seeing the words of projection, time and time again. It’s a long time since I had direct bombarding, and still, my only job is to keep bringing in the light and my own connection. Though sometimes, it is easier said than done.
So why have I chosen to share all this today? First, I find writing a release, and if it helps others in any way to know they are not alone, to choose a different attitude for outcome, then it’s worth it.
I am so grateful for the lessons.
- For me, if there’s no instant connection, it ain’t going to happen. Working with energy and spark is my life, my fire is not going to be lit by a wet rag, no matter how well presented he is. The days of going on looks and behaviour are long gone.
- Massively grateful for the holiday in Bali to rest, recuperate and reflect, and spend it with someone I know I will resonate with. No pressure, no illusion, not having to pretend I am attracted to him. No threat to my precious sleep.
- So many people out there have no concept of owning their behaviour and feelings, what triggers are, and continue to create huge stories and assumptions in their mind. This was in his last email – “I’m seriously saddened and disappointed by ur aggressiveness and hope you find peace within ur soul”. He has no idea who he is dealing with.
- How important it is to maintain my own connection to Truth, to not let their opinions and projections have me question who I am, or undermine my values, integrity and honesty.
- To be up front with communication rather than wait for confrontation – I thought he had walked away, not a great assumption on my part, I forget how relationship games are played by others. Is it me, or does unfriending someone on FB give a bit of a clue how they are feeling, let alone still wanting to spend a week with me? Yeah, still a bit confused on that one.
- Reminder of why I haven’t dated for 10 months, I don’t have the energy or inclination to mother lost Souls longing to end loneliness in a potential partnership. Instead, I work at feeling into the very clear vision of who I am calling in. Someone who is as happy as I am being on their own and yet ready to connect in all senses of the word.
Finally, I remember that swiping right is unlikely to bring me God’s gift on a white steed. Status points don’t count for a lot when I’m seeking that spark to light the fire deep in my belly. Big lessons in relationships – of whatever nature – this week.
So grateful for how I choose to live my life, and the opportunities I create along the way for more growth in awareness. More clarity about what I am creating, and more divine inspiration to continue trusting in the Universe and divine timing that all is perfect.
Thank you for listening. I feel lighter already. Time to think about packing….and a Teflon pink bubble at the airport in case he still decides to go….
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